Log in

No account? Create an account


Recent Entries


bio-nerdery, cute


September 26th, 2017


bio-nerdery, cute
My dreams have been haunting me as of late. They take me into places I'm not ready to revisit. I wake up drowning in tears and covered in sweat thinking, please no, not this again.

June 10th, 2016


bio-nerdery, cute
1.a temporary or complete stopping; discontinuance:
a cessation of hostilities.

Tonight I drank too much. I made a mistake, spoke things that I should have kept in my pocket. I waged war on my own heart. Too much, too little who knows. Right now I stop. I cede, you win.

June 9th, 2016


bio-nerdery, cute
a hundred little seeds inside of me,
which are kindness?
which are animosity?

I have grown up hardy
in the face of drought,
needing no respite for my thirst.

a hundred little seeds inside of me,
which are love?
which are enmity?

I have peeled away my skin
so that you may have a moment of sweetness,
to taste a holy mystery.

a hundred little seeds inside of me,
which are vital?
which are dead?

I have locked away beauty
brought on the cold shade of winter,
to everything there is a season.

a hundred little seeds inside of me,
none bearing fruit,
for you have consumed all that might have been.

May 30th, 2016

the weirdest week ever.

bio-nerdery, cute
Chris has half siblings, he had never met any of them til this past week. We decided to go to Florida so that we could met his sister Hannah. Part of that decision was that this past November his little brother Jeb was shot and passed away. It made him realize that even though his biological father abandoned him that he still wanted to know his siblings and that he didn't have all the time in the world. It was also my 30th birthday and he wanted to do something special for me.
So we packed up the car and headed down. It was also awesome because I got to meet Dave and he took me and the hubs out for Cuban food (totally awesome). Dave is probably even more charming in real life....not fair. Missed a chance to take a picture of him and my husband side by side as they are totally doppelgängers. I won't lie, it was somewhat of a bummer that we couldn't hang out longer but that's life.
After that moment though, it pretty much turned into the longest week of my life short of the week my uncle died. We spent a lot of time with Hannah and her mom Gigi, which was nice, but also hard. Chris and Jeb looked a lot alike, except where Chris is a big barrel chested beardy man, Jeb was still a slim shoulder pup of a guy. They had the same eyes though. We played board games and explored nature reserves and talked about everything under the sun. They gave us some of Jeb's ashes. Chris hasn't cried like that in front of people in a long time (his mom says the last time he cried in front of her was when he was about 6). We walked in Jeb's shoes, talked to his friends. I tried really hard not to cry, Chris has always been my rock and I wanted to be that for him too. I failed, I lost it at the comic shop/geek bar when we walked into the bar area and saw all the art work he painted on the wall. It made me feel like a right git. I think Chris will always have a little heartache about the fact that we can only know his brother through second hand memories and borrowed nostalgia.
His sister Hannah is beautiful and talented. She was a massage therapist and non-denominational minister of sorts until Jeb was shot. Now she spends a lot of time in her room and has a lot of anxiety. I think us being there was helpful, like we got out of the house everyday and she loved pointing out animals to us and taking us to interact with manatees. Those little fuckers are magical.
His other sister Randi-Lynn (different mom from Hannah and Jeb) hasn't spoken to us yet. She's the closest in age to Chris and actually lives in Virginia but I don't think she wants to see us. *shrug* Chris is taking that one kinda hard.
Anyhow back to the events of the last week, we also broke up with our girlfriend Reb before we left. Totally mutual, respectful, and painful. My heart isn't taking it as well as my head, especially considering I'm like 98% sure she broke up with us to sleep with people whom I consider a downgrade. Like, they're mutual acquaintances who may be the most negative people on Earth and _SO_ manipulative. I just....want to protect her heart and if she gets hurts I will likely want to choke the shit out of them.
One last thing, Chris got a job with Apple. Which is great!....but is also terrible. His current work place wanted to transfer him to England. This has been in process for about 8 months, in that time we've re-homed the cat, seriously gotten rid of a lot of our possessions, and essentially sold our house. The actual sale is a few months away, but by September everything should be good to go as a friend/our roommate is buying it. He just needed to have a full year in his current job as it's commission based and wanted to build up his down payment....which is like cool, but that also means in 4 months we'll be essentially homeless unless we figure out what we're going to do and Chris is so not decisive. Not only that but I've essentially spent the last year unemployed and working on this move and I'm pissed. I was the one packing and de-cluttering and repairing the house and contacting estate agents in England and making sure everything for Chris's immigration interview was set.....and GODDAMNIT I'm angry I spent almost the last year of my 20s working toward something that isn't going to happen. Like I'm actually a little devastated. I turned down jobs...good jobs for this move, I withdrew from my social circle and focused wholeheartedly on what I thought would make his life better or advance his career and now....I'm just 30, unemployed, and stressed out.
Not only that but Chris hasn't initiated sexy times in a while, and today he totally rebuffed me which normally is like whatever I can take care of it myself.....for some reason it really struck me today though. I work so hard to make his life easier and I try to take care of his needs and wants. Like I let my 30th birthday be a gift to him so he could be with his family, which I don't begrudge him, but he doesn't even want to show me a little physical affection. Like, I just feel like a hideous fucking chud, it's pretty gross.
On the plus side...almost everyone remembered my birthday this year. Last year I took it off facebook and the only people that remembered were my mother, mother in law, and grandmother. That's the year I learned my biological father thought I was born in April even though he was there during delivery. I have an astounding migraine. I already took one Butalbital and am debating a second one, probably not the best idea.

July 20th, 2015

(no subject)

bio-nerdery, cute
"Umm, can I get one pant leg of Whoppers, one pant leg of Double Whoppers, a t-shirt of fries and a diet coke hat?"
Powered by LiveJournal.com